Love's Recovery

Sitting with a friend today over one more cappuccino I was touched by the knowledge that what I experience in life is not new nor am I alone. I know this, but it is so often difficult to admit that I am like everyone else: prone to the same insecurities, the roller coaster of life, the tensions and potentials.

The last few years I have come to a place of peace in my pursuit of intellectual integrity while at the same time my soul has been increasingly disturbed by the seemingly vast dissonance between my life commitments (my loves) and my affection for everything other than these commitments. I find my energy rebelliously directed in every direction except that which I always thought I most desired. Paul talked about something to that effect didn’t he…?

In a word(s): mid-life crisis.

Principally I have felt this in my commitment to the church and Yvette (although I have also felt it in so many other lesser loves). While the church will mostly not notice – it will be here long after I am gone - I am pained by the effect my vacillation has had on Yvette, a most patient and loyal friend and lover. Other’s have noticed too and felt sadness; sometimes fear; a few have quietly - wisely - rejoiced…

I would have liked to avoid all this, but I see now that this storm is critical to my future health and vitality, not to mention all that it holds for those who might need the gift, which God would give through me.

The one thing I wish is that someone I respected would have admitted as much when I was younger, to take the scandal out of what I inevitably would face. So I put this on record here, at the risk of offence. The details are not for this space but know this: it is the storms that teach us, not fairer weather and what is more, the storm is not endless, nor is it hopelessly un-navigable… but it is unavoidable.

This storm consumes me. It is difficult sometimes to see beyond its blustering false hope and choking terror. And yet I hold the hands of those who travel with me and sometimes they hold my hand when I cannot hold theirs. I pray that I will discover a new way of being in love with all that I have given myself to - in love with this beautiful life I have.

Something new is emerging, something at once frightening and joyful. I would not have had this possibility had it not been for the people who love me and hold me even when I cannot or will not hold them.

I once listened to the melody of a song that fed my melancholy. I did not listen to its words, but today heard those words for the first time. In my storm, they have become the tenacious whisper of sunshine:

During the time of which I speak
It was hard to turn the other cheek
To the blows of insecurity
Feeding the cancer of my intellect
The blood of love soon neglected
Lay dying in the strength of its impurity
Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
They’ve all gone and left each other
In search of fairer weather
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love’s recovery

There I am in younger days, star gazing
Painting picture perfect maps
Of how my life and love would be
Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection
My compass, faith in love’s perfection
I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen
Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
Left each other one by one on the road to fairer weather
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love’s recovery

Rain soaked and voice choked
Like silent screaming in a dream
I search for our absolute distinction
Not content to bow and bend
To the whims of culture that swoop like vultures
Eating us away, eating us away
Eating us away to our extinction

Oh how I wish I were a trinity
So if I lost a part of me
I’d still have two of the same to live
But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal
As specks of dust we’re universal
To let this love survive
Would be the greatest gift that we could give
Tell all the friends who think they’re so together
That these are ghosts and mirages
All these thoughts of fairer weather
Though it’s storming out I feel safe within the arms
Of loves discovery

Thank you Indigo Girl’s for your anthem in my soul-saving crisis.
Thank you friends for cappuccinos, books and humour.
Thank you wise elders for insight and acceptance.
Thank you church for my freedom.
Thank you Yvette for anchoring me in my discontent.

Indeed, with all of you in my life, I am as close to a trinity as any person can be. We are indeed universal dust.